You're A Bitch, Sandy!

We just came out of Hurricane Sandy here on the East Coast.  We had some nasty winds and lots of rain but our family came out of it very lucky and quite unscathed.  I can't even begin to imagine what those poor people in NY and NJ are going through right now.  The photos are almost unbelievable.

OK, this is obviously fake.  And maybe slightly
inappropriate.  Too soon?

But look at some of these...

The whole freakin' front of this building fell off!

I don't even know what this is, but it
scares the hell out of me.  It looks like
something out of a movie!

This is the subway.  I mean, where the hell do
you even begin?!?!

And these pics are just from New York.  This bitch, Sandy ravaged our whole eastern seaboard.  (I don't even really know what that means, but it sounds very weathery, and I kept hearing them say it on the news).

So like many of you I bet, I was home, eyes locked on the news, unable to change the channel (except to a rival station when they went to commercial).  One local Weather Woman (as I write that, I picture her  like a Super Hero, in some sort of Wonder Woman get up) said she "loves natural disasters".

Probably not the best verbiage to use as poor Mary in Apt. 2C's exterior wall just fell off as she watched you report on Sandy.  She's probably not a fan of natural disasters.

Another Wonder Weather Woman said that this was "like her Superbowl".  Really?  Did you bust out the Buffalo Chicken dip out back and have yourself a little Wind, Rain & Destruction party?  Throw back some Cheetos during commercial break?  Because Danny and his family down the street are on Day 2 of no power, so you should swing by their house and take some of their food that is probably rotting in their defrosted refrigerator.

Whatever.  I get it.  It's the adrenaline.  It's the wonder of the weather.  I have it too.  I love watching the wind bend the trees, and the rain come down sideways, and the waves crashing over rock walls.

But for like, 15 minutes.

From my electrified house, that is far away from the ocean.

Knowing everyone I love is safe somewhere.

And then I want it over.

But then there are those people you see on the news.

The ones doing all of the stupid shit you shouldn't do during a crazy storm, especially the worst storm the Atlantic Ocean has seen.  Ever.

The ones waving behind the reporter.

You may not recognize her without a face full of
rain or snow, but here's Shelby!

And you know that reporter. Around Boston when I was a kid, it used to be Shelby Scott on WBZ (remember that, Boston peeps?)  They're the reporter they send straight into the depths of hell to report on just how bad it is out there.  They are getting soaked by waves, blown to the ground by hurricane force winds and are out of breath just from trying to stay upright.

And then.... if you look behind them, you see them.

The idiots.

The guy who is 25 feet BEYOND the unsafely positioned reporter, jumping and waving and pointing at the 29 foot waves like an idiot.  And then he gets sideswiped by one.  And you're a little bit glad, because he was being dumb, but then terrified that you just watched someone get swept out to sea to their death.

But then wait....what's that?

Yup, you see him again, behind the reporter with is hands up in the air, like "Yah!  I fought the beast and won!"  He's soaking wet, missing a shoe and has salt water and snot coming out of his nose.  Fool.

Or the other fool who is out surfing in said 29 foot waves.  "But these storms produce the best waves!" {insert fake surfer drawl} they say.

OK guy.

We get it.

You're a surfer-dude.

In Boston.

Uh-huh.

If you were a real surfer, you wouldn't live in Massachusetts.

You'd be in Australia with Bodhi from Point Break, not Scituate Harbor in a hurricane.

Believe me, I mean no offense to any real Massachusetts surfers out there.  I know you're out there.  But you also know there about these other "surfers" I'm talking about, who are used to surfing the small, Atlantic Ocean waves, who all of a sudden want to conquer a hurricane.  Go home. Come back Memorial Day.

We've seen a lot of footage around here, of the people who try to drive through the flooded streets, through 4 feet of water.

Really?

Even if you know nothing about cars, wouldn't you assume that that much water could possibly harm some sort of wire, valve, or electronic device in your vehicle?

No?

How about the battery?  I mean, you aren't supposed to get AA batteries wet, right?  So how about your GIANT car battery?  Keep it dry, maybe?

That's right, Lady.  Try going really fast, that might help!

Be smart people.

When the "officials" are telling you to stay away....stay away.

There you go....did you get the shot?

When they say to evacuate...evacuate. (And this means you, people who are stranded in their attics after refusing to evacuate.)

I am quite sure they aren't calling for mass evacuations just for the fun of it.

I'm fairly certain that all sorts of panicked people involved in a mass exodus at the same time is a complete nightmare for them.  And that they would only do that to themselves if they absolutely thought it was necessary TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

But saving the lives of people who do dumb shit, puts the rescuers' lives in danger.  And I know if I had to go save your ass out in the ocean because you wanted to be on TV in your wet clothes, with your missing shoe, with boogers all over your face, I'd be pissed.

I mean, why should I save your ass, when there are so many other real emergencies to respond to.  Such as......

I mean...Holy Hell.  Talk about Natural Disaster.

For the record, this picture was taken during Hurricane Sandy.  Someone took this photo.  Not of the flooding, not of the Queens fires, but of this mess.  What the hell kind of world do we live in?  Seriously?

I HONESTLY don't mean to make light of this storm, or the horror that ANYONE is going through right now.  I wish nothing but the best to all of those out there affected by this bitch, Sandy.  But when I'm stressed, or nervous or sad, I make jokes.  It's a "thing".  A defense mechanism.  I'm worried about all of you out there.

So please take a moment away from the horrific pictures, the devastating news and the super sad stories and have a laugh.  It will help.  I mean...how can you not laugh at Donald Trump's hair?

My thoughts and prayers are with all of those who have been affected by Sandy.  Sending good thoughts your way!  

AND IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO HELP, HERE IS A GREAT LINK THAT TELLS YOU HOW.  Click on any of the links throughout this post to find out more about helping.