Monday, July 16, 2012

10 Things I Dislike About Summer

So I had originally written this post last summer.  However, I decided after this weekend I would post it again. You see, I saw this man with my own eyes over the weekend.  Yes, sadly, the boys saw him as well.  I know.  The bright green Speedo didn't help him blend in at all.

And when I had written this post last summer, I had used a picture of some random guy for the post.  Who knew I would find this gem to use instead?

Plus, I'm currently in the middle of Book 2.  Not only have I not written for you all, but I haven't folded the 6 loads of laundry downstairs, dusted or anything domestic in a week. I have to finish these books so I can get on with my life.

Now, in my defense, I get like this with any book I'm reading.  Don't go getting all judgy on me, thinking I'm hooked on Mommy Porn.  Once I start a book, never mind a trilogy, I can't put it down until I'm done.  So bear with me please!

I guess what I'm trying to do, is distract you with hilarious posts that you may not remember, while I finish getting my porn on reading.  Is that so wrong?  I don't think so.  Plus I can only imagine the laundry YOU had piling up while you read about Mr. Grey.  So no stones, Miss Glass House. you go....


I am going to preface this post by saying I LOVE summer.  I do.  I love the warm weather (as long as I have air conditioning in the house and car.  Chris' question is always why I crank the heat to 73 in the winter, but keep the AC set to 68 in the summer.  Why not a nice 70 all year round?)  I love most things about summer, but it is definitely different now that I am older.  Here we go.

10.  Bugs - I don't remember them being as annoying to me as they are now.  The boys are always getting eaten alive, scratching the bites, making them bleed, then crying about their boo-boos.  This summer I've pulled an embedded tick off of each son.  One poor son, had one where no man wants to have one.  And when I say I've pulled the ticks off, I really mean I called Chris in a sheer panic, and made him leave work to come remove them.  I'm sure the location of one of those helped make his decision to leave work a bit easier.  Poor kid (and poor son too!).

9.  Bathing suits - I didn't like bathing suit shopping before having the boys, never mind after.  I still don't understand why bathing suit designers don't make them with actual bras in them.  Why has no one ever thought of this?  The pretend bra/liner in most bathing suits does nothing for me.

8.  Hairy fat guys - I always see at least one gross, fat hairy guy on the beach in a speedo.  He is difficult to recognize at first, because at first glance, he just looks like some over-dressed guy wearing a sweater to the beach.  Upon closer inspection (because you can't look away no matter how hard you try) you realize he's that guy.  Stop looking - I can't!  If it's not at the beach, it's some worker who's sweaty, hairy, ass is hanging out while you drive by him working on your street.  I know as well as him, dieting is hard, but you can shave that shit up a little bit.

7.  Sweaty boobs - I know, no one wants to talk about them, but we all know we have the problem.  Some of us suffer more than others, but we have all suffered.  I did see an ad on another blog for a bra whose cups were filled with cold water or something like that.  Brilliant.

6.  Chafing thighs - Again, some of us suffer more than others....we'll just leave it at that.

5.  Outdoor weddings - What bride wants to have sweaty boobs and thighs that chafe on her wedding day?  And why give your female (and some males I would guess) guests that same lovely gift on your wedding day?  Everyone wants to dress up and look nice at a wedding, but it's hard when you seat them next to the buffet in the blazing hot sun, boobs sweating and their ass melting on the pretty white seat.  That's no fun for anyone, especially the poor waitstaff that need to stack those chairs up at the end of the day.

4.  Driving with the windows open - This was never a problem until recently.  I was in the passenger seat on a beautiful day, with my arm out the window.  I looked out the window, glanced in the side mirror and saw a dog with his head out the window, jowles flapping.  Oh.  No - wait.  Those aren't jowles, that's my arm.  Gross.  It looked like a wing.  I was lucky I didn't fly out the window.  We put the air conditioning on after that.

3.  Applying sunscreen -  This year I have vowed to stay out of the sun and use sunscreen all the time.  This is big news from a die hard sun worshipper.  I don't want skin cancer so I'm done with the sun.  I have always used it on the boys, but I can't stand putting it on.  I put it on them first thing in the morning, when we get dressed.  Arms first, then legs and feet.  Back then tummy and neck, ears and face.  Obviously when they are little, they hate it and scream and cry, like I am applying acid to their bodies.  This year, they are great with it.  Until I get to their belly and tummy.  It tickles.  At first this was cute and we'd all laugh.  Now it takes me an extra 10 minutes and some crazy wrestling moves to get the sunscreen on.  I have to wrap my legs around their lower halves and then pin their arms down with my elbows, while smearing the sunscreen on their chests and under their chins with my hands.  The whole time, they are wriggling and laughing and trying to escape, such a fun game - for them.  I let them up, out of breath from laughing so hard and then pin them down again, face first so I can do the same thing to their backs, while they laugh and laugh and laugh.  I am almost in tears (from frustration) and cannot wait for winter.  We get dressed, and we go outside.  I am covered with sunscreen, sweat and their drool, from their laughing. It's only June.

2.  Feet - Summer is prime time for the Foot Freak Show.  Everywhere you go, people are barefoot (sometimes in inappropriate places), in flip flops and ugly sandals.  I live in flip flops all summer long, but I make sure my feet aren't going to make anyone dry heave in the ice cream line.  It doesn't take much...a coat of polish (or not, your preference), a little bit of soap and a swipe of the pumice stone. Not everyone is so considerate.  Crocs are a wonderful invention, especially for kids - but their feet are filthy by the end of the day.  Last year, I felt like I didn't get their feet completely clean until about October.  But they are so easy, I'll deal with the dirty kid feet.  At least they don't know any better.

And number one..........

1.  Skinny bitches at the beach - ...when I'm there too.  And I don't mean skinny women (more power to you!), I mean the skinny bitches - there's a difference.  It's the Teeny Twenty Somethings, that are in the bikini's that can't be comfortable.  They almost have wedgies, but not quite and they glance around every once in a while to see who is looking at them.  They are with a group of other 20-somethings, drinking (or pretending to drink) beer out of red beverage cups (you know those cups), throwing around a football or Frisbee (both of which they are awful at) using every chance they can to run somewhere (and there's never any jiggling). All of this is going on, while I'm sitting in my cute chair (with no plans of playing anything that requires me to move, never mind run), drinking diet coke, eating cheese-its.  If I'm even wearing a bathing suit, it is completely covered up by a tank top and skirt or a dress - either way, no one will see it.  The only thing I'm throwing around is whatever toys the boys request because I try to avoid getting out of my chair as much as possible.   My solace?  Knowing that Teeny Twenty-Something will start jiggling in a few years herself.  Oh and that I have 2 beautiful boys, who are having a blast at the beach with their lovely mom.  Yah, yah, that too!

There's my list.  How about a vote for being sickened by Heidi Montag?  Thanks so much!  I'll be back ASAP, I promise!!

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Karen Nagy said...

OMG, that is hilarious, I love it. Summer is beginning to wear me down, my 12 year old boy/girl twins are bickering bitching and bored, please let school start soon. Thanks for the laugh!!

Mommys Juice said...

So funny. Although that picture is seriously disturbing!

Denise McDonough said...


This Kim is one of my all time favorites! Seriously the kelly rippa belly button lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jenny said...

That's too funny. Yes, there really are people out there that you wish you never saw in the first place. I think Heidi has had enough liposuction New York.

Anonymous said...

Did summer eat you? Come back!