So I missed April Fool’s Day. Well, I mean, I didn’t miss it, but I missed my chance at writing a hilarious post about all of the fools out there. Luckily for you, I’ve been to Target A LOT in the last 24 hours, which in turn means I still have plenty of good material about fools.
I was lucky enough to be there 3 times yesterday alone. Twice with a migraine.
Don’t be jealous.
My first trip was to get my prescription for my migraine as well as Easter Basket goodies.
My second trip was to get my prescription for my migraine because I forgot it the first time. I am a genius.
My third trip was to return Easter basket goodies because I got all the same stuff my Mother had gotten. Great minds think alike?
But lets get back to the fools. While I was perusing the toy section, I kept bumping into this Mom with her 18 month old daughter. The first time I saw them they were walking down the aisle, hand in hand, wearing matching rain coats and matching rain boots. It was
ridonkulous adorable. (And the fact that I dress my kids alike is different, so don't go there. Plus I know I have a problem, which is half the battle.)
The Mom seemed bizarre to me too. Not in my usual judgy, bitchy way, but legitimately bizarre. She was one of those ones that talks really loud to her child for your benefit.
“Come on sweetie, we can’t bring dolly home with us today, she needs to stay here with her little dolly friends. Bye-bye dolly. No, Hil, she can't come home with us today. Come on please, this way. This way, Hil. Come on. This way Hil. Hil?”
Translation, "I am a fantastic Mom that really interacts with her child, and enjoys watching her experience everything in this world, despite the number of things that I need to get done. Her learning is more important, so watch me as I model perfect parenting. It seems like she's the one in control, based on her not listening to me at all, but it's all part of my parenting style."
You don't need to talk loudly for me lady. I see you honey. How can I not? You are dressed like a 2 year old, and your daughter is standing directly in front of my cart so I can’t get by, which you think is just adorable. Now can you please move your Mini Me out of my way so I can buy my kids Easter swords?
And of course, like Brittney Marie and her Mom, they were around every corner. Acting weird. Freaking me out. I mean, have you seen those parents, the ones that act like NO OTHER PARENT YOU'VE EVER SEEN? I actually convinced myself that Little Miss Rainy Day had been kidnapped by this bizarre woman, Jayee Dugard style. In each aisle, this lady would have this little girl doing something different.
In one aisle, she was carrying her.
In the next aisle, she was giving her a piggy back (No lie. Have you EVER done that while you were shopping? Don't we just want to get in and out without forgetting anything?)
In the next aisle she was in the cart filled with stuff (which was no where to be found in the last 3 aisles I had seen them in.)
And of course in line in front of me.
Littly Miss Rainy Day was still in the main part of the carriage while her "Mother" (because yes, by this time, I had decided that this child was not hers and I was witnessing some sort of future Dateline episode unfolding) helped her to put each and everyone of her 150 items on the belt, one at a time.
Really? I get letting your kid help, but start putting your shit on the cart already. I can already tell the Creeper behind me is getting ancy, and that I am going to have to huff and puff, while he and his fat pre-teen daughter unload their shit on the belt prematurely. So can we get a move on? Can you take your kidnapped child and get the hell out of my way please? And for the record, it's not raining. So you can ditch your matching outfits too.
Then the woman ringing her up, asked the question I was dreading.
"Would you like a sticker?"
Great. You just know this isn't going to be a quick "sure, thank you", like it is when they ask us. Take the sticker and stick it on the carriage just like every other kids does, and be on your way. Please.
The Kidnapper looked at her abductee with a ridiculously big smile and gasped "Oh my goodness, a sticker?!?!?!? Would you like a sticker, Sweetie? Hil? Do you want a sticker? Say 'yes please' if you want a sticker. Honey? Do you want a sticker? Hil, if you want a sticker, you need to say yes, please."
I am pretty certain that between my migraine and the insanity that was unfolding in front of me, actual laser beams were shooting out of my eyes and steam was blowing out of my ears. Take the f*cking sticker Hil! It has the Target dog on it. Take the sticker.
She took the sticker. I know you are relieved to hear how that part turned out.
Then as she held Hil, by the back of her hood, while she stood in the main part of cart, I thought to myself, "You shouldn't let your kidnapped kid stand up there, she's going to fall the second you move that carriage." And sure enough, she totally clotheslined her own kidnapped child. Poor little Hill fell forward while her "mom" was holding onto her hood. Cue the wailing. Can it get any better?
Sure it can.
I know you would really love for this to be the end of my post, but we haven't even talked about my latest Creeper, the Father-Daughter Duo. They were equally aggravated with this lunatic woman, although I doubt they knew she was a kidnapper, like I did. The father was a really tall, hairy man. His daughter was a tall, overweight-but-wearing-a-tight-short-shirt-that-shows-off-her-muffin-top-beautifully type of girl. She was chomping on the Doritos that she apparently couldn't wait to pay for and talking about wanting new Uggs.
The cashier rang up my stuff, and I watched as the girl furiously tried to put that little bar separator thing up so our stuff didn't get mixed up. The father had to tell her twice to relax, that my stuff was already rung up and that the cashier knew that stuff was theirs. Then the cashier had to tell her that once her stuff hit the edge, the belt would stop moving. This girl was in a sheer panic that their box of Ziploc bags was going to get too close to my Captain America shields. What she should be worrying about, is that she is a 12 year old girl, who is the size of an overweight 30 year old.
So I put my bags in my cart and went to pay. But as we all know about Creepers, she was already standing in the way of the card swiper. I said excuse me, but she didn't move. She just looked at me. Wishing death upon me for allowing my Captain America Shield anywhere near her Ziploc bags.
I will have to say that since she was twice my size, I was a little bit intimidated. But then I remembered I had 2 shields and a foam sword, so I was all set. I moved in front of her, you know, to shield my pin number from the pre-teen, and paid for my Easter weapons. I heard her mumble something to her father and I walked away. But not before looking back at her with my yah-keep-eating-those-Doritos look.
I know, I am quite mature.
But there is more......the cherry on top.....the Pièce de résistance....don't worry, this will be quick. And really, what else do you have to be doing anyways?
I walked out to my car and just guess who was parked right next to me and still there.
It was the freaky Kidnapper and her freaky Mini Me. Just sitting in their car, singing together. I felt like I was on that TV show, What Would You Do? There just had to be cameras around, right? John? Mr. Quinones? Are you here?
So when you see the next What Would You Do show, and see a woman with squinty migraine eyes, being quetioned by John Quinones in the parking lot about why she didn't save the poor little girl who had been kidnapped, cut me some slack and know that I didn't feel well. And I was being smothered by a Creeper at the register.
And don't forget....you can vote for me every day! It really does make my day you know!