Monday, March 5, 2012

You Too, Can Be Like Jennifer Aniston

I was just reading an article online, by the chicks at, about Jennifer Aniston's beauty regimen.  I have always liked Jennifer Aniston, and figured I would read a little bit about how she keeps herself looking great (as I sit here, in the SAHM uniform of Yoga pants and a sweatshirt.  And no, no I don't do yoga) all the time. 

Well, this author did some research and estimated that Jen (cuz we're friends, I call her Jen) in a year, spends about $150,000 on looking fab.  Hmph.  Well, as a SAHM, I make about $149,500 K less that that (I count the money that the boys steal from my mother as SAHM income) so it's already looking like I can't compete.  Here is how our beauty routines stack up:

Skin Care

~ Jen loves chemical peels and lasering her age spots away.  She goes for facials and treatments pretty regularly.  Her monthly costs for this are probably about $1200.

~ For me, putting any "chemical" on my face, that cause half of it to fall off, is scary.  I love a facial, but having kids at my feet and under the esthetician's feet is frowned upon, so it doesn't happen as often as I would like.  I tend to stick to my Oil of Olay Foaming Face Wash.  It may be anti-aging, it may not.  There may have been times that I used Bat Man bubble bath/bodywash/shampoo on my face too... I can't rule that out.


~ Jen has been going to her stylist Chris McMillan for years.  She goes every six weeks.  Religiously.  We all love her hair.  I love her hair.  Her cuts are about $600, her colorist charges about $350.  Almost $1000 every six weeks.  That's almost a mortgage payment.  I could live in her hair (which I totally would).  I can't imagine how much she spends on product.

~ I go to my stylist pretty religiously as well.  Because she books up quickly and my Mommy brain would always wait until the boys were telling me my silver hair looked "fancy", to make my appointment and by then she was booked up for months.  Now I schedule ahead.  And while she is fantastic, she hasn't let it go to her head yet, and has kept her prices lower than Chris McMillian.  As for product, I'm pretty sure Jen isn't getting hers at Stop and Shop like I am (my hairdresser/bestie is cringing right now, sorry Steph!).  But I do use treatments.  I like the Picking Boogers and Food Crumbs Out of My Hair treatment.  I used to use it a lot more when my boys were younger, but luckily they are good to me, and still help me out with that every now and then. 

The girl's got great hair.
And she'll totally be able to pull
off having food and boogers in it
when she's a Mom too.
Make up

~ Jen gets to have make up artists do her make up.  Not all the time, true, but more often than me.  She also spends about $400 on her own make up collection.

~ Me, I have been using the same mascara since junior high.  No lie.  I like Loreal's Lash Out.  I was also utilizing a more natural and organic line of makeup called, Dirty Kid Fingers.  You may know it, it's has some pretty earthy tones, like "dirt", "grass" and "melted hershey kiss" and other brighter ones, like "paint", "spaghetti sauce" and "grape juice".  I have hazely-green eyes, so I tend to like the "grape juice" tones a little bit better.  Not sure Jen and I are on the same page on this one either.

See, this kid has stolen my

~ Jen's had 2 nose jobs.

~ I have had mine bashed by the back of my kids' heads numerous times.  And one son ran face first into a tree a few weeks ago, bruising it up pretty badly, but no nose jobs.  Although I have had some work done, other than my blog re-design.  I had my gall bladder out after some nasty gall stone attacks, courtesy of having babies (I was lucky enough to have everything "common with pregnancy" happen to me, thanks boys!).  Jen has an adorable little nose, I have 3 red scars on my belly.  But now I can eat greasy foods again.  HA!  Take that Jen.


~ Jen spends about $80 every time she gets her eyebrows done. 

~ I pluck my own.  I used to get them done, but then I got lazy.  I also had an *ahem* "mishap", with at-home wax.  Nothing like you're thinking though, dirty birds.  I put it in the microwave to heat it up, but I put it in too long, so I had it out on the counter to cool.  Next thing I knew, there was wax everywhere.  It was so hot, the container itself had melted and wax spread all over the place (see what we have to deal with, men?!?!)  **I should note that:

     a.  It was Christmas morning and our families were coming over in about 45 minutes.
     b.  Yes, I HAD to do it right then.
     c.  This was in our new kitchen, which was not quite completed yet.
     d.  It was all over our brand new counters.
     e.  Our backsplash hadn't been grouted yet, and it had melted all over the counters and underneath the backsplash.
     f.  Chris was SUPER happy.

What?  Your Christmas morning doesn't include
a blow torch and a putty scraper?
Chris re-melted the wax and scraped it all off.
That shit gets hard when it cools.

Spray Tan

~ Jen loves herself a golden California Girl tan.  She's never orange, never pale and never blotchy.  She spends about $100 every month.

~ If I could justify doing this I actually would.  But I think it's probably a little bit more important to pay for the boys pre-school right now.  Right?

Wait, what?  Did someone say something?  Tanning is more important?  Did I hear anyone say that?  No? 

I love to be tan, chub looks better tan, remember?  It's science.  But my guess is, the tanning places in LA are probably a bit better than the one down the street, where my neighbor's high schooler works part time.  I would end up looking like that lady down there.  For now, I'll stick to my Jergen's, and hope that my damn sunscreen really will still let me get a tan, like everyone always says.  I hate sunscreen.  Stupid skin cancer.

Oh, and that's my SAHM uniform too.
Personal Trainer

~ Jen has always raved abvout Mandy Ingber, yoga extroardinaire.  She pays about $300 for an hour with her.  She sees her about 3-4 times per week.  OK, that's not so bad.  Not extreme, 3-4 hours per week of exercise, I could do that.  Although I always see pictures of her out running too (and you know my history with running).

~ Here's how my "training" typically goes.  I get myself  motivated, either January 1st, like all you other fools out there, or some random Monday.  I sign up for a gym.  I pay for said gym every month, and never go again.  My results are typically not the same as Jen's.  I'll stick to tyring to have her hair, not her ass.

Yah...Jen's looks like the girl at the top.
Me?  I'm the cherub at the bottom.
But she's cute, right?

~ Jen sees a nutritionist and pays for prepared foods each week, for about $700.  The result is fab, she looks great.

~ I tend to be a little less strict with my diet, often times eating PB & J crusts and half eaten pickles off the boys plates when they're done.  What?  Peanut butter is protein.  Just not the lean protein like Jen eats.  And pickles are cucumbers, which are a vegetable.   See... it's all about a balanced diet.  I also can't say that I haven't extended the 5 Second Rule to 10, maybe 15 minutes  seconds either. 

I'm not this bad.  Poor Hasselhoff.
So, overall, Jennifer Aniston and I lead very similar lifestyles.  I don't see why I don't look as great as her.

Regardless of our differences, I still believe she and I would be great friends if we ever met.  I used to think that Brennifer would have loved hanging out with Chrim (Chris + Kim = Chrim, yah, I know, we can't really pull that off, huh?  It sounds like something you clean off the rim of a toilet)  How does your beauty routine stack up to Jen's?

Here's that brown box you love hearing me talk about!  You know what I beg of you to do!  Come on, I just compared myself to Jennifer Aniston for hours, while I wrote this post.  A little vote will boost up my self esteem again.

Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!


Jennifer Cluff said...

you've got my vote! lol - that was too funny! love your blog :)

jen (not 'the' jen - lol)

Kim said...

Thank you Jennifer! Thanks for visiting too, I am loving your blog too! And I appreciate your vote!!!

Mrs G said...

You just had me giggling at work. I am a new followerd, check it out.

Ashleigh said...

This was hilarious! I love your blog. :)

Kim said...

Thank you! Glad to make you giggle!!

Kim said...

Thanks Ashleigh! I appreciate you coming by!!!

Heather B said...

Too funny! I like the dirty fingers makeup line myself ;)