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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Re-run....Per your Request.

I guest posted on my Blog Friend Denise's funny blog this week and I've gotten all sorts of nice compliments on it. This was surprising because after re-reading it, I didn't seem very "christmas-y". You guys must really like me. But I got a lot of requests to post it here as well, so I'm going to do that. You should still visit my gal Denise over at Mommy 2 Nanny 3 Doggy 1, she's pretty damn funny. But I always try to make you guys happy, so here you go!


So the lovely, charming, beautiful Denise asked if I would write a guest post for her today. Moi? A guest post? I’m so flattered! She must really enjoy my writing. She must think I’m kinda talented, right?

Here's a picture of Denise
on her last trip to Disney. I hope
she's at least wearing comfy
shoes.

Yah, not so much. SHE gets to go away to sunny Florida, while I’m stuck here in cold and rainy Massachusetts. SHE gets to meet fairy princesses, while I meet up with cranky women in Target who are tired of Christmas shopping and who take it out on the pimply faced teenager stocking the shelves with I’m-A-Whore Barbie Dolls. And actually, I’m not too sure Denise is the Disney Princess kind of girl, she seems more of a Mad Tea Party type than that. Anywho, get to my point, yes, thank you…

Well, my name is Kim and I am the author to a little ‘ol blog called My Twin*tastic Life. I have twin boys who are 4, and while my blog does talk about being a mom to twins, it is just as much about my life in general and all the crazies we all come into contact with every day. I’m pretty sarcastic and I like to think I’m hilarious, although that may be debatable. Denise makes me think I’m hilarious, but I’m afraid that’s more because we both have the same sick sense of humor. But if you like Denise, I’m hoping you might make it through the end of my post here. So here we go….

I was listening to my local oldies station tonight while driving home with my kiddos. And of course it’s all Christmas music (and has been since right after Halloween, why wouldn’t it be) and The Twelve Days of Christmas was on. I recently wrote a post about how this year Christmas was going to be simple for us, back to basics. I was thinking about how if I REALLY wanted to get back to basics, I would give Chris 12 turtle doves for a gift this year. But I quickly realized that, like our fish, I would be the one feeding them. No doubt it would be me cleaning up 12 turtle dove’s mess, and swatting them away from my head, our food at dinner time, the door so they didn’t escape. Who needs that? Not this mom. And really, what the hell are turtle doves anyways?

So I got to thinking that MY Twelve Days of Christmas might make a good blog post. I thought it might make a good blog post for that lucky bitch that gets to go to Florida my friend Denise. So here we go….

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
The job of shopping for EVERYONE on our Christmas list. He’ll go get me stocking stuffers at CVS on Christmas Eve.

On the second day of Christmas, Toys R Us gave to me,
Only one Buzz Lightyear Spaceship Command Center even though I ordered 2 (DUH, I have twins, dumb-ass Toys R Us) But you know they didn’t mess up charging me for the two. Bastards.

On the third day of Christmas, Toys R Us gave to me
A full refund on the Buzz Lightyear Spaceship Command Center
Because of course it went on sale and they wouldn’t credit me even though they screwed up my order to begin with, so I returned them and bought them again immediately after. I’ll get them, damn it. I don’t f*ck around. Ooops, sorry about that, I know this is a Christmas post.

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Boys’ school gave to me,
An adorable little holiday open house, but seated me near Typhoid Mary, with her boogery nose pouring down her into her mouth, which made me dry heave and now we are all sick and coughing all over each other.


On the fifth day of Christmas, my neighbor’s yard gave to me,
the boys’ first real exposure to a nativity scene, so I tried to explain the true meaning of Christmas, and now the they think Christmas is about “Baby cheeses” being killed by bad guys, like the Fire Nation (from the TV show Avatar: the Last Air bender). Damn, that was a total miss.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my Elf on a Shelf, Elfie (original name, I know) gave to me
A total scare, because I couldn’t remember where I put him and I started to think maybe he WAS real and trying to f*ck with me.

Love this Target lady!
On the seventh day of Christmas, Target gave to me
A gift card! Don’t get too excited, it was for spending a ton of money in their store. See, even they knew I spent more than I should have… they felt bad and gave me a gift card. I have a problem.

On the eighth day of Christmas, cable TV gave to me
Will Ferrell’s movie ELF, followed by Billy Bob Thornton’s Bad Santa – NOW it feels like Christmas. C’mon, based on this list, you couldn’t tell what gives me Christmas joy?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my best friend gave to me
The heads up that there are now Cadbury mini eggs for Christmas. What is better?

On the tenth day of Christmas, the scale gave to me
Added weight probably from ninth day of Christmas and the one pound bag of mini eggs I ate while watching Revenge…nothing says Christmas like revenge and a pound of chocolate.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An oil change. I know, not that exciting. Sorry.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my friend Denise gave to me
The chance to spread my crazy…

New oil in my Tahoe
Revenge and too-tight pants
Mini eggs for Christmas
Hours of Santa movies
“Free” money at Target
A new fear of Elfie
The murder of Baby Cheeses
Contagion from Typhoid Mary
The sale price I deserved
An f-you from Toys R Us
…..and the daunting task of shopping for EVERYONE we know!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all! Thanks for having me, Denise! I hope Denise had a fantastic time at Disney bitch.

Oh and one more thing....you lovely folks got me up to #3 for Twins & Multiples Blogs!  You guys rock!  So keep at it.  Please?  Come on, it makes me feel good!

Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!

9 comments:

Spilled Milkshake said...

Bravo! This was awesome - and very similar to what my 12 days of Christmas are like lol.

Denise McDonough said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Still laughing over the fact I am beyonce

Still laughing over this post!

Whenever you want to post on my blog let me know :) You are always welcome even if I am not away :)

Katie said...

Hi Kim, Thank you for stopping over at my blog and following. I appreciate it. I am now a follow of your. You have a beautiful family. I look forward to following.

Katie - Saving and Sharing It
http://www.savingandsharingit.blogspot.com

Bethanie said...

Great post! Thanks for stopping by; following you back!

http://thischicasguideto.blogspot.com

Denyse@Crazy Beautiful Life said...

Love your blog and sense of humor...Thanks for visiting and I'm here to show the "Love" back...I guess I'll go stalk you on fb!!!


www.mydailyphotojourney.blogspot.com/
www.facebook.com/MyCrazyBeautifulLife.13
www.pinterest.com/denyse13/

Danielle said...

Very nice!

I'm a new follower every way I could find. You have a great site and hope you can get the chance to visit mine and return the favor. I also just posted the Winter Wonderland Blog Hop if you'd like to join! Thanks! www.adeliciousobsession.com

MELISASource said...

Wow what an awesome post!! Love it!!

championm2000 said...

After surviving Toys R Us this weekend, this post meant so much more to me!

Found you through Ginger and now following!

Jessica Rose said...

Coming over from Beauty and The Bookaholic!!! Thanks so much for the follow!! :) I'm now a new follower here via GFC. I love this post and can't wait to read more!! Merry Christmas to you and your family!!!!

Jessica Rose - Beauty and The Bookaholic
http://jessgal0430.blogspot.com